I have really slowed down...
It seems that setbacks for me are hard to handle. I am wondering if it is because learning used to come so easy to me. In school I was always at the top of the class without doing any work. Maybe that is playing on me now - Im just not used to hard work?
I think more likely explanation is that for some reason I have become very scared of taking challenges head on and seeing them as challenges and understanding they come with a bit of sweat and hard work and also with few setbacks. But why??? After having quite a few loosing days (admittedly most trades, again, taken purely emotionally) I have become scared to place any more trades. Im petrified of loosing money and clearly like to see it just sitting on my spreadbetters account making them money...!
BUT.., and here is the BIGGEST BUT! Im not, back testing anything, Im not actively learning something new everyday, Im not spending 'quality time' with the markets since I always have other internet applications open (yes, yes, like facebook...!). Why am I just drifting from day to day thinking that tomorrow I will sit down and learn and backtest and spend a bit of 100% concentration time watching the markets. LAzyness?? Fear of success?? Fear of doing something that makes my life better??
I clearly am having an internal stuckness moment with my old values from family and friends and culture etc. I cant even IMAGINE telling to my parents what Im attempting to create. (Actually I did just imagine... I saw the disapproving 'youre ridiculous' look on my mothers face).
I know I am capable. I know I can do this if I put a bit more effort into it. I know I can succeed in anything I put my mind to. AND I can easily create a very clear vision of me being a succesful trader.
HOW DO I LET GO? How DO you let go of the values of your family and culture without actually cutting your ties to them? (which I would never do, I love them dearly) I have already moved to another country, but they seem to psycholgigally have a huge hold of me.
Im am very tired of this avoiding business... Trying to avoid doing something is actually more tireing than just doing it. Fear in me has got such a disabling energy. I just feel numb. A bit like after a relationship breakdown. you just want to sleep/drink/eat to avoid facing the reality and moving on. this numbness is scary.
Maybe it is just purely NOT KNOWING the way out? And being too scared to take the wrong path. I dont know... Im not religious, very spiritual but not subcribing to any man made religion. But I sometimes pray for help. I pray for clarity really more than help, a way out of this haze and mist that surrounds my head.
SO... here goes...
"Dear Universe. Help me to find clarity. Help me to move away from this stuck place to the direction of my desires. Help me to cut the emotional ties within me and move on with my life. To a grown up person. To a person that can say 'I achieved this' - 'I created the life of my dreams'. I know I am cabable, I know I was put here for a reason and I even know what that reason is. (And so do you!). Help me to accept money and success into my life. Help me to change my thinking to a more positive direction so in return I can later on help others to achieve the same. I lovingly leave this in your very capable hands. And I love you."
Love to you all!! And the best of success to us all!!!!!!!!!!! ;D
Until next time
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