Dear Diary.... And so on :)
I have taken some drastic measures since last time.
Number obe is that I have started counselling with a qualified psychotherapist. This on its own has made a MASSIVE difference to my general outlook on life and hence obviously to my trading. I was getting to the point with everything (not just to do with trading, but to do with my other business too) that I knew I cannot get myself out of the negativity alone. You know that negative hamster wheel of thoughts just feeding itself and making it spin faster and faster and those thoughts just getting more and more ingrained and slowing you down to almost a halt!
So like I said dealing with some underlying issues of self worth with a person who is totally impartial and neutral ash been an amazingly liberating experience. I really recommend it to ANYONE!
I have now put a framework in place on my future 3 months trading education and I have been also getting up much earlier at 6.30am to get to the markets by about 8am. And I have spent as much of my day as possible just in the trading forum and chatroom I belong to and at the same time trying to do a bit of backtesting and learning new strategies from the people in the room.
Also one of the BIGGEST differences has been backtesting. I know I was told about a million and one times that backteting is the most essential thing one can do and I still managed to ignore that advice for a quite a few months in the beginning of my journey. But now I have finally done it, it really helps with the psychology, makes it easier to just simply SEE the setups and gives you confidence and clear numbers and stats you can trust on. If you are trading and not backtesting shame on you!! You are missing on one of the MOST valuable tools there is in the trading world. Yes its timeconsuming, but oh so worth it!!
So look out for this space! Things are finally looking up for me - even at a pace of a super slow snail - but they are moving and this time to the right direction!!
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
Monday, 10 January 2011
Psychology, psychology, psychology
What do the people in the know say is the most important think to master in trading?
PSYCHOLOGY!!
And as expected - inevitably the hardest!
So what I have done is taken the bull by the horns and I am now starting counselling with a therapist. It is amazing to read the previous post from July and I am still in exactly the same dilemma. Still stuck, still not doing what I know I need to do and if I do take action, I tend to do something that leaves the proverbial handbrake on and the vehicle loaded with "great intentions" moves very slowly and then comes to a sudden stall.
The distractions take many forms, such as cleaning the house, needing to walk the dogs or something in the internet I absolutely must read and research at that time. Also I have a new thing - taking in foster dogs from a dog charity. Yes, in itself a very noble and great thing to do, but not so when that is something I use as a self distracting technique.
So, hence the therapy.
I have now seen three different therapists and I have one more to see until I make a decision on who to go with. All three very different and have different things to offer, so I need to make a decision which type of issues I want to focus on and with what kind of therapist.
I am excited and looking forward to the process. It has been sad watching myself ruining all the good efforts I put in. But one thing is for sure - I will keep going! It is now too late to change my mind - well I suppose I could go back to a "job", but I think I would rather die...
It is very interesting why we do this to ourselves. I think lack of will power certainly plays a part, but I dont think one can rely on willpower alone in something that clearly has its roots much deeper in ones psyche. I think I just dont accept that I can one day be something when all of my family tries / tried its hardest to live as small life as possible.
My parents visited over the Christmas holidays and my mum said to me when we passed GSK headquarters in London "it wouldve been so much easier if you had just stayed there". (My Thrid university year was spent working for themas an industrial placement). EASIER??? Easier my ass!! I wouldve been even more depressed and felt like a living dead! A number on a paper. An average person doing an average job. living in the "real world".
So no - trading it is! And I love it! And Im sure I will be loving it even more soon when I actually get better to control my own emotions.
Until then, kiss and goodbye xx
PSYCHOLOGY!!
And as expected - inevitably the hardest!
So what I have done is taken the bull by the horns and I am now starting counselling with a therapist. It is amazing to read the previous post from July and I am still in exactly the same dilemma. Still stuck, still not doing what I know I need to do and if I do take action, I tend to do something that leaves the proverbial handbrake on and the vehicle loaded with "great intentions" moves very slowly and then comes to a sudden stall.
The distractions take many forms, such as cleaning the house, needing to walk the dogs or something in the internet I absolutely must read and research at that time. Also I have a new thing - taking in foster dogs from a dog charity. Yes, in itself a very noble and great thing to do, but not so when that is something I use as a self distracting technique.
So, hence the therapy.
I have now seen three different therapists and I have one more to see until I make a decision on who to go with. All three very different and have different things to offer, so I need to make a decision which type of issues I want to focus on and with what kind of therapist.
I am excited and looking forward to the process. It has been sad watching myself ruining all the good efforts I put in. But one thing is for sure - I will keep going! It is now too late to change my mind - well I suppose I could go back to a "job", but I think I would rather die...
It is very interesting why we do this to ourselves. I think lack of will power certainly plays a part, but I dont think one can rely on willpower alone in something that clearly has its roots much deeper in ones psyche. I think I just dont accept that I can one day be something when all of my family tries / tried its hardest to live as small life as possible.
My parents visited over the Christmas holidays and my mum said to me when we passed GSK headquarters in London "it wouldve been so much easier if you had just stayed there". (My Thrid university year was spent working for themas an industrial placement). EASIER??? Easier my ass!! I wouldve been even more depressed and felt like a living dead! A number on a paper. An average person doing an average job. living in the "real world".
So no - trading it is! And I love it! And Im sure I will be loving it even more soon when I actually get better to control my own emotions.
Until then, kiss and goodbye xx
Monday, 19 July 2010
Yet another slow month bites the dust
I have really slowed down...
It seems that setbacks for me are hard to handle. I am wondering if it is because learning used to come so easy to me. In school I was always at the top of the class without doing any work. Maybe that is playing on me now - Im just not used to hard work?
I think more likely explanation is that for some reason I have become very scared of taking challenges head on and seeing them as challenges and understanding they come with a bit of sweat and hard work and also with few setbacks. But why??? After having quite a few loosing days (admittedly most trades, again, taken purely emotionally) I have become scared to place any more trades. Im petrified of loosing money and clearly like to see it just sitting on my spreadbetters account making them money...!
BUT.., and here is the BIGGEST BUT! Im not, back testing anything, Im not actively learning something new everyday, Im not spending 'quality time' with the markets since I always have other internet applications open (yes, yes, like facebook...!). Why am I just drifting from day to day thinking that tomorrow I will sit down and learn and backtest and spend a bit of 100% concentration time watching the markets. LAzyness?? Fear of success?? Fear of doing something that makes my life better??
I clearly am having an internal stuckness moment with my old values from family and friends and culture etc. I cant even IMAGINE telling to my parents what Im attempting to create. (Actually I did just imagine... I saw the disapproving 'youre ridiculous' look on my mothers face).
I know I am capable. I know I can do this if I put a bit more effort into it. I know I can succeed in anything I put my mind to. AND I can easily create a very clear vision of me being a succesful trader.
HOW DO I LET GO? How DO you let go of the values of your family and culture without actually cutting your ties to them? (which I would never do, I love them dearly) I have already moved to another country, but they seem to psycholgigally have a huge hold of me.
Im am very tired of this avoiding business... Trying to avoid doing something is actually more tireing than just doing it. Fear in me has got such a disabling energy. I just feel numb. A bit like after a relationship breakdown. you just want to sleep/drink/eat to avoid facing the reality and moving on. this numbness is scary.
Maybe it is just purely NOT KNOWING the way out? And being too scared to take the wrong path. I dont know... Im not religious, very spiritual but not subcribing to any man made religion. But I sometimes pray for help. I pray for clarity really more than help, a way out of this haze and mist that surrounds my head.
SO... here goes...
"Dear Universe. Help me to find clarity. Help me to move away from this stuck place to the direction of my desires. Help me to cut the emotional ties within me and move on with my life. To a grown up person. To a person that can say 'I achieved this' - 'I created the life of my dreams'. I know I am cabable, I know I was put here for a reason and I even know what that reason is. (And so do you!). Help me to accept money and success into my life. Help me to change my thinking to a more positive direction so in return I can later on help others to achieve the same. I lovingly leave this in your very capable hands. And I love you."
Love to you all!! And the best of success to us all!!!!!!!!!!! ;D
Until next time
It seems that setbacks for me are hard to handle. I am wondering if it is because learning used to come so easy to me. In school I was always at the top of the class without doing any work. Maybe that is playing on me now - Im just not used to hard work?
I think more likely explanation is that for some reason I have become very scared of taking challenges head on and seeing them as challenges and understanding they come with a bit of sweat and hard work and also with few setbacks. But why??? After having quite a few loosing days (admittedly most trades, again, taken purely emotionally) I have become scared to place any more trades. Im petrified of loosing money and clearly like to see it just sitting on my spreadbetters account making them money...!
BUT.., and here is the BIGGEST BUT! Im not, back testing anything, Im not actively learning something new everyday, Im not spending 'quality time' with the markets since I always have other internet applications open (yes, yes, like facebook...!). Why am I just drifting from day to day thinking that tomorrow I will sit down and learn and backtest and spend a bit of 100% concentration time watching the markets. LAzyness?? Fear of success?? Fear of doing something that makes my life better??
I clearly am having an internal stuckness moment with my old values from family and friends and culture etc. I cant even IMAGINE telling to my parents what Im attempting to create. (Actually I did just imagine... I saw the disapproving 'youre ridiculous' look on my mothers face).
I know I am capable. I know I can do this if I put a bit more effort into it. I know I can succeed in anything I put my mind to. AND I can easily create a very clear vision of me being a succesful trader.
HOW DO I LET GO? How DO you let go of the values of your family and culture without actually cutting your ties to them? (which I would never do, I love them dearly) I have already moved to another country, but they seem to psycholgigally have a huge hold of me.
Im am very tired of this avoiding business... Trying to avoid doing something is actually more tireing than just doing it. Fear in me has got such a disabling energy. I just feel numb. A bit like after a relationship breakdown. you just want to sleep/drink/eat to avoid facing the reality and moving on. this numbness is scary.
Maybe it is just purely NOT KNOWING the way out? And being too scared to take the wrong path. I dont know... Im not religious, very spiritual but not subcribing to any man made religion. But I sometimes pray for help. I pray for clarity really more than help, a way out of this haze and mist that surrounds my head.
SO... here goes...
"Dear Universe. Help me to find clarity. Help me to move away from this stuck place to the direction of my desires. Help me to cut the emotional ties within me and move on with my life. To a grown up person. To a person that can say 'I achieved this' - 'I created the life of my dreams'. I know I am cabable, I know I was put here for a reason and I even know what that reason is. (And so do you!). Help me to accept money and success into my life. Help me to change my thinking to a more positive direction so in return I can later on help others to achieve the same. I lovingly leave this in your very capable hands. And I love you."
Love to you all!! And the best of success to us all!!!!!!!!!!! ;D
Until next time
Friday, 11 June 2010
Slowly but surely
Its been a bit slow few weeks, been focussed on my other business quite a bit and not had much time to sit in front of the screen losing money or making none :D hehe! Re-wrote my goals - it always seems to make a difference. Also included some (hopefully) realistic but hard trading goals too.
Learning process is such an interesting one, its been a while since Ive been thru this process, probably 5 years ago when I started my last job. It was a sales job and took a good 9 months before I could feel Im getting somewhere. I really dont know why I thought this would be any different process. I suppose Ive always been one of those people who has to make mistakes first and then think afterwards. It is very up and down, I should really remember that.
But I really feel like Im getting it, at least a bit! Its great to start seeing patterns on the charts that you regognise and start making sort of educated guesses rather than play russian roulette!
Whats even more exciting, whilst writing this, I just excited a position on Gold, only spreadbetted it on 10pence a point. But a trade I took off my own back and DIDNT LOSE!! :D YEEE!! And when I came out the position it started to go against me, so absolutely perfect timing!
Ive been slowly getting a feel of the markets I want to trade and getting an understanding of how they react and work. Im currently trading spx, gold and cable. Not sure why those three, maybe beacuse of the guys in the trading room Im in mainly trade indexes and forex.
Will update on my process again soon! Cant wait to read these in 2-3 years time when I am a succesful trader!!
Learning process is such an interesting one, its been a while since Ive been thru this process, probably 5 years ago when I started my last job. It was a sales job and took a good 9 months before I could feel Im getting somewhere. I really dont know why I thought this would be any different process. I suppose Ive always been one of those people who has to make mistakes first and then think afterwards. It is very up and down, I should really remember that.
But I really feel like Im getting it, at least a bit! Its great to start seeing patterns on the charts that you regognise and start making sort of educated guesses rather than play russian roulette!
Whats even more exciting, whilst writing this, I just excited a position on Gold, only spreadbetted it on 10pence a point. But a trade I took off my own back and DIDNT LOSE!! :D YEEE!! And when I came out the position it started to go against me, so absolutely perfect timing!
Ive been slowly getting a feel of the markets I want to trade and getting an understanding of how they react and work. Im currently trading spx, gold and cable. Not sure why those three, maybe beacuse of the guys in the trading room Im in mainly trade indexes and forex.
Will update on my process again soon! Cant wait to read these in 2-3 years time when I am a succesful trader!!
Thursday, 22 April 2010
Profit up, profit down, profit up and profit down
Thursday 8 days later
Its amazing how much one can really learn in a short perod of time. I feel like a sponge.
Saying that, I feel like Im standing next to wide open Atlantic ocean with a plan to swim across to America from Europe. And I have only just tipped my toes in the water!!
I had an interesting day yesterday, actually made a bit of profit and they were not trades that were called in the trading room, but trades I took because I felt they were right. Mind you lot of the signals were pointed out by the people in the trading room, but I actually made the decisions myself to enter the trades. And I did ok!! Yes I might be trading with 50p a point, but to me to make £5 and 10 pips is amazing.
I did feel a little calmer when placing the trades too - I still stayed glued to the screens, but I didnt feel quite as anxious as I did the first day. I think this arrangement I have is great from psychological point of view - Im trading with real money, not papertrading, but since the brokerage is pretty new, they refund all my losses for the first 10 days up to £300! So I dont feel too worried, but I am still using real money and real platform.
I have also realised in this week, that every time I have entered trade for the 'wrong reasons', like fear of missing a profit and just jumping the gun - I have made a loss. I really need to curb my impulsiveness. So far (in many other areas of my life too) that has been both the biggest stumbling blok as well as on the other hand helped me tremendously to get out of a difficult decision.
Im excited and fearful at the same time. I try to curb my emotions - I think a meditation session before the markets open today might be on order!!
xx
Its amazing how much one can really learn in a short perod of time. I feel like a sponge.
Saying that, I feel like Im standing next to wide open Atlantic ocean with a plan to swim across to America from Europe. And I have only just tipped my toes in the water!!
I had an interesting day yesterday, actually made a bit of profit and they were not trades that were called in the trading room, but trades I took because I felt they were right. Mind you lot of the signals were pointed out by the people in the trading room, but I actually made the decisions myself to enter the trades. And I did ok!! Yes I might be trading with 50p a point, but to me to make £5 and 10 pips is amazing.
I did feel a little calmer when placing the trades too - I still stayed glued to the screens, but I didnt feel quite as anxious as I did the first day. I think this arrangement I have is great from psychological point of view - Im trading with real money, not papertrading, but since the brokerage is pretty new, they refund all my losses for the first 10 days up to £300! So I dont feel too worried, but I am still using real money and real platform.
I have also realised in this week, that every time I have entered trade for the 'wrong reasons', like fear of missing a profit and just jumping the gun - I have made a loss. I really need to curb my impulsiveness. So far (in many other areas of my life too) that has been both the biggest stumbling blok as well as on the other hand helped me tremendously to get out of a difficult decision.
Im excited and fearful at the same time. I try to curb my emotions - I think a meditation session before the markets open today might be on order!!
xx
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
Information overload
I can see where this all is going... :)
About 1.5 weeks later and certain things have started to make sense. I know what s&p cash means and what is a pivot. I have also fished out golden nuggets of totally unrelated information such as "70% of all days will touch yesterdays pivots" and "85% of all days take out previous days higs/lows" I have also found several interesting blogs and websites I have added to my favourites like www.alphatrends.net and Traderfeed - blog that have provided me amusement and confusion dureing the 8 hour period I have sat today glued to my computer screen.
I feel like I have just found a start of a path in the middle of an overgrown forest. I have not even cleared the entrance yet, but I can see it is there and it is leading somewhere.
I also took 3 hasty totally silly trades today. It is unbelievable when you read all that information and think "who are these stupid people that trade based on 'feel' and emotion" and the next minute you become one of them. My excuse is that the brokerage account makes up all my losses up to £300 over the first 10 business days. So I tell myself all this is, is practice how to use the brokerage account. I made a £29 loss, but am back in another trade. Also taken as hastily. hehe!
But at the same time its been VERY interesting to notice how I feel when I actually am in a position. I dont think any amount of paper trading can prepare you for the emotion of placing your first live trade. I sat there, staring at every single tick on one minute timeframe and as soon as I was 1 pence down, I panicked! I had an urge to keep flicking in and out the different timeframes every few minutes and I had my eyes glued on my profit/loss sheet on the brokerage accout. So basically forgot every single rule there ever was. And if that wasnt enough, I placed the trade without stop loss in a haste. Unbelievable! I never thought I would be like that.
Anyway - I do feel like I have learned a LOT today. Adn I suppose that is not a bad thing is it!!
About 1.5 weeks later and certain things have started to make sense. I know what s&p cash means and what is a pivot. I have also fished out golden nuggets of totally unrelated information such as "70% of all days will touch yesterdays pivots" and "85% of all days take out previous days higs/lows" I have also found several interesting blogs and websites I have added to my favourites like www.alphatrends.net and Traderfeed - blog that have provided me amusement and confusion dureing the 8 hour period I have sat today glued to my computer screen.
I feel like I have just found a start of a path in the middle of an overgrown forest. I have not even cleared the entrance yet, but I can see it is there and it is leading somewhere.
I also took 3 hasty totally silly trades today. It is unbelievable when you read all that information and think "who are these stupid people that trade based on 'feel' and emotion" and the next minute you become one of them. My excuse is that the brokerage account makes up all my losses up to £300 over the first 10 business days. So I tell myself all this is, is practice how to use the brokerage account. I made a £29 loss, but am back in another trade. Also taken as hastily. hehe!
But at the same time its been VERY interesting to notice how I feel when I actually am in a position. I dont think any amount of paper trading can prepare you for the emotion of placing your first live trade. I sat there, staring at every single tick on one minute timeframe and as soon as I was 1 pence down, I panicked! I had an urge to keep flicking in and out the different timeframes every few minutes and I had my eyes glued on my profit/loss sheet on the brokerage accout. So basically forgot every single rule there ever was. And if that wasnt enough, I placed the trade without stop loss in a haste. Unbelievable! I never thought I would be like that.
Anyway - I do feel like I have learned a LOT today. Adn I suppose that is not a bad thing is it!!
Friday, 9 April 2010
In the beginning there was... confusion!
I have just completed my first 4 days as a trader!! I cant believe it still and, as expected my brain is fried like a frying pan and I have annoyed the other forum members with unbelievably simple questions. Only used Monopoly money as yet, but made 30points on S&P cash the other day (God that makes me sound like a pro!!)
This has been very long coming. I attended my very first trading course in 2006 with high hopes and dreams of this new 'get-rich-quick' idea I came up with. I thought all I needed is to attend the course and off I pop and fill my account with more money I can ever dream of. Well, the reality is quite different, as Im sure all of you know!
Reality is procastination, feeling tired, all the cleaning that you have not been bothered to do, sudden need to sleep or eat and all those myriad of excuses you make. But all in all it is just a mask for one single emotion - fear. Oh fear - ones best friend and a foe. Follows you everywhere, sits on your shoulder whispering sweet nothings such as 'you wont make it' and ' you are not good enough'. You must love his persistence. And too often he wins. Well, he won for 4 years.
But not anymore.
I have done everything the wrong way, but it seemed the only way for me. Quit the well paid easy job, dont enough savings, borrow money from boyfriend to buy another course and rights to enter a trading room and be very unprepared. I am between a rock and a hard place. The only place is to move forward. There is no going back since there are no bridges anymore. They were not just burned, they were bommed to millions of shreds with buckets of TNT.
Anyway, I hope you can be with me on this journey. This will be interesting, but, as ever, I remain an eternal optimist. I can do it!!
This has been very long coming. I attended my very first trading course in 2006 with high hopes and dreams of this new 'get-rich-quick' idea I came up with. I thought all I needed is to attend the course and off I pop and fill my account with more money I can ever dream of. Well, the reality is quite different, as Im sure all of you know!
Reality is procastination, feeling tired, all the cleaning that you have not been bothered to do, sudden need to sleep or eat and all those myriad of excuses you make. But all in all it is just a mask for one single emotion - fear. Oh fear - ones best friend and a foe. Follows you everywhere, sits on your shoulder whispering sweet nothings such as 'you wont make it' and ' you are not good enough'. You must love his persistence. And too often he wins. Well, he won for 4 years.
But not anymore.
I have done everything the wrong way, but it seemed the only way for me. Quit the well paid easy job, dont enough savings, borrow money from boyfriend to buy another course and rights to enter a trading room and be very unprepared. I am between a rock and a hard place. The only place is to move forward. There is no going back since there are no bridges anymore. They were not just burned, they were bommed to millions of shreds with buckets of TNT.
Anyway, I hope you can be with me on this journey. This will be interesting, but, as ever, I remain an eternal optimist. I can do it!!
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